There are days that I sit and wonder why I worry about things. Things like my job. Things like my finances. Things like me. This weekend, I didn't sit and wonder. I roamed around and wondered. This kind of wondering often happens when I happen to have a free weekend without my husband and friends around to distract me.
I wonder why I worry about work. Work has not been very pleasant lately. Not because of the economy. But because I feel that I am no longer working for who I thought I was. It's sad when you realize that things are not the same. I probably knew a long time ago but didn't accept it. I'm not quitting anytime soon. Neither am I at risk of losing my job. But that's why I worry. I worry that I will be the last one upholding what I truly believe in. It's not a pleasant feeling. I have some thinking to do.
I wonder why I worry about my finances. Not that the husband's or my job is at risk of being lost. Like everyone else, that risk is there. But it's not like we have not prepared. But I still worry. I think I was just raised to worry about my money. I've always somehow landed on my feet. But I worry that I am not putting enough away. I worry that I am putting away too much. I worry that it won't be there tomorrow. It's difficult for me to think about money. Three different people have commented that nothing "paralyzes" me. Except money issues. I need to figure out why.
Lately, I have been worrying about myself. I am feeling that feeling again. I have changed my career three times. Each time has been challenging. Each time, I have done fine. Each time has been a fun but crazy ride. I am getting that feeling again. I wonder if it's because of what's happening at work? I wonder if I am just destined to be this way. I'm not scared to try something new. Or start from scratch all over again. I am 39 and I don't know if I still have it in me. I don't know if anyone will think that I still have it in me.
This weekend, I had brunch with someone I knew from home room in high school. It was nice to see her. I may be seeing her again. She commented that she was surprised at how much I had "calmed" down. I smiled. Inside, I stirred. I then spent the next 36 hours by myself. Wondering about things. About why I can't just be. About why I can't just accept what I have and stay calm. I wonder why. Later.