As one gets older, it gets harder and harder to meet friends. Most people have established their circle of friends. And trying to add to or get into a circle is not always easy. I also think that as you get older, you become less forgiving of crap.
I have tried to become friends with someone at work. I rarely, if never, do. If I do start hanging out with someone from work, it's because we share something in common. Or, something about them has sparked my interest.
L. is someone I have tried to do things with. We started off well. I was a bit wary of the drama that seemed to tag along with him. I should have listened. So, when do I stop trying? I think this weekend was when I stopped trying.
Here's the thing: when I invite you to something, I will follow up the day before to confirm. I expect the same thing from you. If you initiate the get-together, then follow up and make sure that I am on board. If I have to call you, it probably will piss me off. I especially get pissed off and begin the process of divorcing you from my life, WHEN you don't return my text or call. It's even worse when you call and feign ignorance and nonchalance to what is your mistake.
I wish it were different especially since I get along with this guy. But maybe I get along with him because he keeps himself at a distance. Maybe this is all it is. I will start treating him differently when I see him at work. I will bring it up that he is difficult to make plans with. I will bring it up that he doesn't return calls or texts. I will no longer be interested in this friendship.
I will not be adding to my circle. Later.
I attended my friend's mother's funeral service today. This is the second funeral service I have been to in 13 months. Both were in the same funeral home. Both had open caskets. I couldn't get myself to go up to the open casket. I'm not sure I understand the need to have the casket open.
Maybe it's because I don't want to see the deceased in that state. There is a big piece of me that believes that part of the best thing about someone you know is having memories of them. Happy memories. Maybe I don't want to see them lying there lifeless. Maybe I want to remember them the last time I saw them. Alive. Maybe I'm weird.
Many people feel forced to go through the line to view the casket. I never feel like I have to. I actually am fine with people just coming in and taking some time to pay their respects. If all you do is sit there and remember the good times you had with this person, then you are fine. I especially don't get it when people go through the viewing line if they have never interacted with the deceased. I have been one of those people. I decided to let my partner mourn his way and I stood in the back. Maybe I am just weird for standing.
I believe that people mourn in their own way. I prefer to mourn by remembering that person's smiling face. I prefer to remember the good moments. I prefer to just sit in the back and let my friend know that I am there if he needs me. I don't feel that I need to go through the rituals that are set by people. I don't care if they think that I am disrespectful. I need to mourn my way. Maybe I am weird for standing my ground.
Maybe all that matters is that I showed up for my friend and his mom. Maybe definitely. Later.