I'm not often out of control of how I feel. I tend to understand why I feel a certain way. I tend to understand where my feelings come from. I don't always like them. But I deal with them. But two things are throwing me off right now. Two things I can identify but won't put down in writing.
I will own up to one of them. I will own up that I do have control of one. I am choosing not to deal with me "fixing" this issue. I'm not really at my wits end about it. I'll just deal. Truth is that the source of my lack of control is not what people think. It's more of the people around who are thinking it. Actually, more their actions. But it is what it is. I am not done enough. Yet.
The other one is not one I want to own up to. And it will be hard to reconcile. Because their actions are not something they realize they are doing. And I am not willing to tell them. Because I am not there. I am not sure I want to go there. I don't think it's worth it. I know it isn't. But it still is something that has bothered me enough to write about.
And maybe that is all I needed to do. Write about it. Because, now that I see it in words. I know how crazy it is to even feel this way. But I do. And I have to go through it. I probably will never tell. And it will always be there. But some things just have to be there. Because one doesn't always have control. And one shouldn't always have control. And that in itself is the reconciliation. Later.
I follow quite a few soap operas. Both domestic and international. Mostly because they involve a gay couple of some sort. Most of these story lines involve either some conflict about coming out or about a heterosexual finding out they are attracted to someone of the same sex. Which involves some conflict about coming out.
The meat of the stories always revolve around said conflict with the outcome almost certainly the couple ending up together and basically fading away in the background. Sometimes the couple sticks around to become part of the fabric of the show. And sometimes they get relegated to the back burners becoming sex-less friends who we are supposed to assume are "blazing the trail" for soap operas.
Actually, the look-at-how-forward-thinking-we-are attitude mainly comes from the American soaps. The ones who are the most puritan and ass-backwards. The international soaps are actually the most non-conservative. Even the Israeli one I watch had a scene that showed one of the gay characters having full-on anal sex. I was shocked. Pleased. But shocked.
As for our American soaps? Barely a kiss. And when they do "have intercourse", it is more off-screen. Once did they have a gay couple in a sexual situation. And it lasted all of six seconds.
It's frustrating because one really watches soaps for the lurid display of human flesh. They aren't, by any stretch, good dramas. They are superficial fodder that we cling on to for escapism reasons. So, I've given up on the one last American soap opera with a gay couple. IF you can even call them that. The most they have done is kiss. Meanwhile, the teenage heteros? Fucking at any given moment.
Which leads me to me true rant: why do other gay men defend this obvious homophobic crap? It's beyond me. I've stopped watching. Actually, so have many others. Which is why American daytime soaps, as we know them, are being canceled faster than their gay men can fuck. Later.