Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Over lunch the other day, my friend D. and I were having a very heavy conversation. That morning, her girlfriend had told her that she was not ready to be in a relationship because of all the psychological issues she was having. D.'s girlfriend has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and lately, because of stress, has been having psychotic episodes. Since, this relationship is new, D. has never experienced any of this and does not know what to do. On top of it all, they had just moved in together. It's true what they say about lesbians: they do bring a moving truck to the second date. Oh, and did I tell you, D.'s girlfriend is not really a city girl; actually, crunchy granola best describes what she is like. Honeyed crunchy granola.
By the end of lunch, we had come up with a plan for D. She was going to get some help from a national group that deals with psychological issues like this. She was also going to call the girlfriend's sister (who lives in NYC) and a friend to get some help and information on how to help. I told her that the bottom line was that this is beyond our scope of knowledge and she needs to get assistance so that she can better deal with this situation.
While waiting for the check, I told D. that I was going to check out this new coffee shop that was doing some stuff for the company I work for. I wanted to get an idea as to what the whole business was like. I also said that I was going to head home after, cook dinner, watch Project Runway, and just hang out with my husband. At that point, she asks, "Is this all that life is going to be? Work, go home, hang out with friends occasionally, and start the cycle all over again?" I said, "Yup. That's what life is all about. One big routine." She then said, "But it has to be more!". I said, "Nope. It doesn't have to be. It's just one big routine. With a few bumps thrown in sometimes."
And you know what? Life is one big routine. Nothing more. Once in a while something exciting happens. But you know what? That's it. Don't tell me that there is always something better that will come along. No it won't. And if you believe that, you will spend your time waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Not living. Just waiting. Hoping that something will come along.
And please don't tell me that you have to make it happen. You may have to do things to stir up your life. But, in order to be able to stir up your life, you have to be able to sustain your life. And to do that, you have to have one big routine. Yup, one big routine to pay the bills. To fill up the time that connects those bumps that make life interesting. One big routine that makes you realize how special some of those bumps are.
Now, I didn't say that your routine had to be mundane. I just said that it was a routine. You make it what it is. You make it as exciting or as boring as you want. But you know what? It's still a routine. One big routine. Make the best out of it.
I gotta go finish up my routine for the day. Later.
By the end of lunch, we had come up with a plan for D. She was going to get some help from a national group that deals with psychological issues like this. She was also going to call the girlfriend's sister (who lives in NYC) and a friend to get some help and information on how to help. I told her that the bottom line was that this is beyond our scope of knowledge and she needs to get assistance so that she can better deal with this situation.
While waiting for the check, I told D. that I was going to check out this new coffee shop that was doing some stuff for the company I work for. I wanted to get an idea as to what the whole business was like. I also said that I was going to head home after, cook dinner, watch Project Runway, and just hang out with my husband. At that point, she asks, "Is this all that life is going to be? Work, go home, hang out with friends occasionally, and start the cycle all over again?" I said, "Yup. That's what life is all about. One big routine." She then said, "But it has to be more!". I said, "Nope. It doesn't have to be. It's just one big routine. With a few bumps thrown in sometimes."
And you know what? Life is one big routine. Nothing more. Once in a while something exciting happens. But you know what? That's it. Don't tell me that there is always something better that will come along. No it won't. And if you believe that, you will spend your time waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Not living. Just waiting. Hoping that something will come along.
And please don't tell me that you have to make it happen. You may have to do things to stir up your life. But, in order to be able to stir up your life, you have to be able to sustain your life. And to do that, you have to have one big routine. Yup, one big routine to pay the bills. To fill up the time that connects those bumps that make life interesting. One big routine that makes you realize how special some of those bumps are.
Now, I didn't say that your routine had to be mundane. I just said that it was a routine. You make it what it is. You make it as exciting or as boring as you want. But you know what? It's still a routine. One big routine. Make the best out of it.
I gotta go finish up my routine for the day. Later.
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I'm not trying to be overly negative here, but you should inform D that she should think this through VERY VERY carefully. Having been through a similar situation, I can tell you that things can get ugly fast. If D suspects, even for a minute, even as the most remote possibility that her new girlfriend may go past the point of no return, she should take precautions to protect herself.
First, it is important to know that regardless of whose name is on the lease, anyone who has lived in an apartment for more than thirty days is considered a tenant under the law, and is protected by the same laws as the leaseholder. This means that if the leaseholder wants the other one to go, but the other one wants to stay, then the leaseholder must serve the other one with formal, notarized papers via a third party, and the other one can then take matters to court, up to four times before an eviction is forced by an officer of the law.
Second, with regard to any medical care & psychiatric services rendered to her new girlfriend, D should be told that she is not necessarily the next of kin, does not necessarily have the right to make treatment decisions, and is not required/may not be qualify to serve as a responsible guardian for her girlfriend.
Finally, D should consider now, while things are on the level, who her friends are. And I mean the kind she can call at any hour of the day or night. Because if things get ugly, she'll want to know that the person she's calling will pick up the phone.
I hate to sound overly dramatic about this, but I really wish someone had told me all this when it happened to me. This having been said, I hope things work out for D & her new girlfriend. I hope it's really no big deal, and that they look back in a few years & laugh.
First, it is important to know that regardless of whose name is on the lease, anyone who has lived in an apartment for more than thirty days is considered a tenant under the law, and is protected by the same laws as the leaseholder. This means that if the leaseholder wants the other one to go, but the other one wants to stay, then the leaseholder must serve the other one with formal, notarized papers via a third party, and the other one can then take matters to court, up to four times before an eviction is forced by an officer of the law.
Second, with regard to any medical care & psychiatric services rendered to her new girlfriend, D should be told that she is not necessarily the next of kin, does not necessarily have the right to make treatment decisions, and is not required/may not be qualify to serve as a responsible guardian for her girlfriend.
Finally, D should consider now, while things are on the level, who her friends are. And I mean the kind she can call at any hour of the day or night. Because if things get ugly, she'll want to know that the person she's calling will pick up the phone.
I hate to sound overly dramatic about this, but I really wish someone had told me all this when it happened to me. This having been said, I hope things work out for D & her new girlfriend. I hope it's really no big deal, and that they look back in a few years & laugh.
Love your concept of life and routine. Really cool.
As for D, I hope she is able to work things out. My grandmother used to say, however, that depression is contagious, so be mindful and watchful of her too.
A.B.
As for D, I hope she is able to work things out. My grandmother used to say, however, that depression is contagious, so be mindful and watchful of her too.
A.B.
D's girlfriend needs to go on medication immediately. Then everything will be okay. Or not, but at least it will be not okay in an unpsychotic, unbipolar way.
# posted by 
: 3:47 PM
: 3:47 PM
I just get annoyed with friends who think they are the busiest people in the world. Everyone's busy, so don't use that as an excuse to flake out.
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