There are times that I sit in my den and just think about my life. I don't judge any part of it. I don't regret any part of it either. I just think about it. I wonder what life would be like if I stayed in the closet. I never really have a picture of what my life would be like. Probably because the picture of being with my partner is the only one that I equate to what heterosexuals call marriage.

I sit and wonder where I would be if I didn't quit my electrical engineering job with Con Ed. I'd like to think that I would have eventually come to terms with my sexuality. But where would I be in terms of life? Would I be settled down as much as I am? Would I have mortgage payments, household bills, and loads of laundry to do? Or would I be single, renting, and trying to run around the scene?

What if I didn't come out of the closet? Would I be stuck in a job that I hated, hating myself for avoiding who I really am? Most of my generation of gay men know how hard it is being in the closet. Some of us still are. Many of us still find an excuse as to why we are. I wonder if my personality would have come out anyway. Would I still be as confident even though deep down I would know that it was all fake?

I was once told that everyone had a soul mate. That, eventually, you find one another. Back in the closet, I believed that. Out of it, I think that is absolutely stupid. Would I have met Mike if I didn't start working for the fitness industry? No. Who would I have met if I decided to stay at Con Ed? Still yet, who would I have met if I decided to go to engineering graduate school in Buffalo rather than take my chances in New York City? I don't think it would have been Mike.

I sit in my den wondering all that and more. I eventually stretch myself across the sofa and let the cat crawl on top of me. Automatically, I fall asleep while Leena licks my fingers. I wonder if she knows how much I love her? How much I love Mike? I wonder. Later.  ¶ 11:54 PM