On my way to work this morning, I was consumed by this wave of melancholy, depression, and irritation. I think it has to do with me working for a grocery store combined with being with someone who has only ever worked a Monday-Friday job.
I miss the days that I used to look forward to the end of the year. I miss looking forward to Xmas. And no, you can't get that back. It's not a state of mind. Adult responsibilities shatter that dream. I only look at Xmas day as just another day before I have to go straight back to work. Just another day.
I feel helpless. My parents are going through some changes and I feel like I cannot help them. Yes, I know I can be there to listen and give any advice they ask for. I can be there to support them in their choices. But I really have no say in what they are going to do. I feel so removed from it. So far away.
I feel pressured. And it's beginning to get on my nerves. A long time ago, my parents and I came to the agreement that I would not be coming home for the holidays because I hate travelling at this time of the year. We are actually very happy with it because I tend to visit them on off times. Hence, spending far better quality time with them. My partner's family is different. They say they do but they don't really understand how tiring it is to work until 9:00pm on Xmas eve, run to catch a late train to Philly, spend the day with them and others, leave the next morning for work, and work a full day. They say something about appreciating what ever time I can spend with them... blah, blah, blah... Mike will be going home since he has four days off. I just want to sleep. I don't really want to have to go. I feel like I am being backed into a corner. But I will go. It's what you do when you "marry" in. It's called obligation. I loathe it. Or at least, I don't have to like it.
Ideally, I would love to just stay home, with my cat (and Mike, if he'll stay), cooking for me (or us, if he stays), and having a nice quiet day away from people. But alas, no. I want to be away from the holidays. I want to just escape it all. With that said, I wish you all the best for the rest of this year and the whole of next. Hug your beloved. If you don't have one, be careful what you wish for. It always comes with extras. Later.