It has been a miserable Memorial Day weekend and it seems like my misery will continue for a few more days. I have been sick with the flu. Besides being unable to breath properly and having a scratchy throat, I have also been unable to work out. Of course, this has sent me into a frenzy of self-loathing. What is it about working out that makes us become this way? There seems to be a small population of people who become extremely anxious when they cannot get their regular workout in. I am definitely a member of that group.

When I begin to get sick, I don't dread the fact that I may be wheezing & coughing or the fact that I may have a fever and a general feeling of malaise & depression. What I fear the most is that I will not be able to teach my classes but certainly not that I won't be making the money because of that. What really scares me is the fact that I will not be getting my regular cardiovascular workout accomplished which also means that I will be missing my regular weight training regimen. At this point in my worries, I begin to think that I will gain about 50 pounds and about 15 inches on my waist. All this within the first hour of getting sick.

Needless to say, I begin to do things that do not contribute to me getting over the upcoming flu. I begin to watch what I eat by curtailing my intake of food. Since I tend to crave comfort food while sick, I begin eating steaks, fried chicken, ice cream, chocolate, and all other food items that do not supply proper nutrition to help my body fight and recover from the flu. Now, it's not that I eat huge amounts of "comfort" food, it's just that I don't eat anything healthy like fresh vegetables which are high in vitamins and anti-oxidants or drink healthy juices and fluids to help flush out my system. All this leads to self-flagellation because of my lack of self-control and respect for my body. And that's just the "eating" part.

I also become so concious of what I wear because I have now missed at least 5 days of working out which feels like 5 months to me. I feel like my stomach is beginning to protrude and my love handles are so large, I can use them to hold the comfort food which I am shoveling into my gullet. My only focus at this point is to figure out my first possible day of returning to the gym. At which point, I run into the gym full-force trying to get the best workout, in what I think is the most efficient way to burn calories and gain lean muscle mass.

I also proceed to ingest as much over-the-counter medication to help clear this flu out of my system. I am so drugged up that I feel like I am floating which in turn makes me feel more sick. What kind of obsession is this? Am I the only one who sees illness as a roadblock to my exercise regimen? Has this "need" to work out despite illness become a "sickness"? Am I being a good model of health to my students who look to me for proper living? Or am I just a human being with the same hang-ups and issues as others? This I wonder while I sit here in my comfy sweatpants and fleece zip-up sipping my cup of Theraflu while planning my workout goals for the next two weeks. Later.  ¶ 6:43 PM