First things first, I have to give some credit to Scott (www.neuroticjew.blogspot.com) for inspiring me to do this.

It's Tuesday and I only teach three classes today (I actually teach 5 tomorrow). I know that sounds insane, and it is, but honestly most instructors do three a day up to five times per week, sometimes more classes. What is up with some of these people who take classes at the gym? Do people really think that working out is something that we all inherently know how to do? I swear that the gym is full of idiots sometimes. When the instructor asks you not the do the advanced optional exercise, it's because it is obvious that you are about to fall of your bench or drop the weight on your head. Try to give it some thought, if we really wanted to hurt you (as we sometimes do), we would have done it earlier.

I normally tell all my classes that if anyone is new to taking class (be it step or body sculpting), they really will not get it at first. BUT I also say that it is not about getting IT on the first try, it's about coming back on a regular basis to "get used" to the class and isn't that what exercise is really about? Regular participation to increase cardiovascular and overall health? Somebody please correct me if I am wrong!

I always simultaneously abhor and relish the beginning of the fall season at the gym. All the people who decided that they would "workout" outside in the nice summer weather are back in the gym. The truth is most of these people ended up lying on the beach imbibing too much alcohol, noshing on too many snacks, and treating themselves too much gelato. Hey, I love gelato! I even love gelato in gallon quantities! But I also teach anywhere from 15 to 18 classes a week, lift weights 3 times a week, and attend a yoga class or two. I don't sit my ass on some sand and slather on SPF 15 and call it a day at my share in the Hamptons/Fire Island/Any-other-excessively-expensive-resort. Anyway, here they are, back from their Summer of slothness, ready to mold that body into one that would make Madonna jealous. Hey people, word of advise: It took you 3 months to look like gelato, give yourself some time to melt of that weight. Oh, also, by the way, it takes more than two weeks of lifting two-pound weights and more than a combined time of 14 minutes on three different cardio machines to change your body.

So, here is some advise that I would like pass on to these people:

Please do not blame the instructors or the gym for your lack of results: We don't lift the spoon to your mouth (PUT THE SPOON DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THE ENTENMANN'S!). Also, spend more time on that treadmill: at least walk a bit farther than you walk to go pick up that pint of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby (U are what U eat!). To the women who take more than three body sculpting classes a week: please try to lift weights that weigh more than your Prada slingbacks AND try doing some cardio (U gotta burn off that excess stored "energy" somehow and shopping at Bloomingdale's does not burn that many calories). To the men who start off by placing two 45-lb plates on each side of the flat bench press: if you can press it less than 10 times, lower the weight before you bust a vein in your temple and we have to call 911 to save your fat ass. (As if you would really be alive and have the energy to lift 225 lbs if it fell on your chest).

Above and beyond all (and please try to spread this around): The gym is a place for stress reduction NOT stress induction! Good night, all.  ¶ 11:11 PM